Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Magic, Motherf*cker

Finally got around to watching ‘Your Highness’. Not terribly good, but it has its moments and fantasy reader/rpgers will probably find it funnier than most. It is actually a fairly amusing parody of any given overwrought fantasy novel and feels like you are watching a roleplaying session where the GM is trying to emulate one of those overwrought novels, but is constantly undermined by the players’ refusal to take it completely seriously.

It also has some nice visualizations of spells and monsters, but my personal favourite was the Barbarian Hireling ... that is exactly what hirelings are for!

Fairy Dust
This potent substance can be harvested from willing fairies, but the easiest way to obtain it is by capturing a fairy, pulling off its wings and head and then patting the neck, spilling the dust into an open palm. The dust can then be snorted like snuff, giving a moderate bonus to all actions for the next d10 rounds, followed by a corresponding penalty for an equal amount of time. It also has many alchemical uses and is valuable in large quantities.

The Weed WizardThis bizarre, caterpillar-like humanoid lives in a castle overgrown with plants, located at the centre of a mushroom forest. At the heart of the castle is a large green house and there the Wise Wizard grows many potent herbs that he uses in the hookah and derives his magical powers.

Through the herbs, the wizard has the gift of prophesy and foresight, warning travellers brave enough to seek him out what they require to complete their quests. He does not give his gifts freely however, and those that seek him must be prepared to pay his price, …whatever he may ask.

Gauntlets of GroundingThese large, iron gauntlets are covered with a fine mesh of mysterious metal that attacks and absorbs all electrical attracts, as well as having a 50% chance of catching bolts of magical energy.

The large and unwieldy nature of these gauntlets, and the long trailing wires that must be touching the ground in order for them to work, give the character wearing them a dexterity penalty for all rolls, including combat.

Booby Trap
This trap is commonly laid by nymphs and dryads, who will send out the comeliest one among them, clad only in the scantiest of scanties to entice eager travellers to follow them into the woods.

Once enticed, they will be lead to a quite clearing where they will be herded into a group by hundreds of other nymphs and rendered unconscious with drugged blowguns. Once asleep, the GM is free to do with them as they wish and the trap makes for a convenient way to drag wandering player-characters back on plot.

Amulet of the Minotaur
This trophy was taken from the mythical Minotaur of the Lost Labyrinth by a fabled warrior when its horn proved too difficult to remove. When worn by any male character, the amulet increases their virility and attractiveness to all members of the preferred sex.

The Chosen One
This individual is born once every hundred years with the destiny to complete the ritual of The F*ckening and bring forth the dragon that will rule the world. When the two moons align, the Chosen One must complete the ritual by entering a virgin.

The Chosen One is protected by the magic of legend and cannot be harmed, except by the Sword of Unicorn. However, he too must remain a virgin until the F*ckening and is easily misled by questions regarding his virility. it probably doesn't help that once begun, the magic of The F*ckening transforms the virgin into an unsatable, wanton sex machine.

The prophesy of the Dragon Moons has been mistranslated and it is generally assumed that the Chosen One impregnates the virgin with the dragon. What the Chosen one is not aware of is that if the ritual is completed, it is HE who will become a dragon.

The Sword of the UnicornWhile created by the body of a dying unicorn, this sword acts only as a moderate magical weapon. However, if used against the Chosen One (or chosen Big Bad), it will do double damage (magic damage included).

When first drawn from the body of a unicorn, the sword will test the welder to prove their worthiness. If the welder fails the test, they are killed (no save!) and the sword returns, waiting for the next person brave enough to draw the blade.

The Codpiece of Courtney
When worn on its own, this oversized, bulbous device gives the wearer magical protection equal to the equivalent of chainmail armour. The bonus does stack with gauntlets, greaves and helms, but not with vests or other chest pieces.

The Steel Hand of Boremont
This mechanical prosthetic can only be worn by individuals who have lost an arm and seeks out the dwarven craftsmen of the Deepshaft. For an exhorbanent fee, th dwarves will create a powerful metal hand that doubles unarmed damage and allows the wearer to use a sword without penalty. For an added price, it can include a retractable blade.

The Hand of the HydraThis fiendish monster is created when a magic user plunges his hand into a cauldron containing a specially prepared elixir (that looks suspiciously like mustard). The hand will summon a giant hydra-like creature with five snake heads. The mage then controls the hydra with his hand, each finger corresponding to one of the snake-heads.

The mage must see the hydra to control it, but may use magical means to cover great distances.

Each head can spit a potent stream of powerful acid ten feet once per half hour (five attacks). In addition, the bite of the hydra is poisonous and is deadly within five rounds if not sucked vigorously.

However, the hydra possesses relatively weak armour and any damage done to the heads is transferred to the mage’s hand, including lost fingers each time a head is cut off.
Let Us Quest!

No comments:

Post a Comment