Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The Sex Panther

The sex panther is an ancient, eldritch creation of the ancient, late-night, cabal known as the Order of Burgundy.

Little is known of this mysterious order, save for a number of enchanted items that have survived the passing of countless ages, such as:
-Love Lamp
-The Trident of Tamland
-Space Gun from the Future
-and the hideous monster known as the Chicken of the Cave.

But the Order's most infamous and enduring creation is the Sex Panther. It isn't fully understood if the Sex Panther is some form of mystical creature from another plane, or if it is a magical construct, or even the aspect of an ancient god, but no matter how it is summoned or used, it always maintains two very distinct features that make it easily identifiable. The first is its bizarre statistical nature; there are no saving throws or opposition rules used when the Sex Panther is summoned, simply a percentage roll. At odds a bit greater than half the time (60%) , the Sex Panther works exactly as intended ... every time.

If the Sex Panther fails, then its second distinctive feature begins to play a much stronger roll. No matter what form the Sex Panther takes, it is always accompanied by an odor that has been politely described as a 'formidable scent that stings the nostrils' and a 'powerful feline musk', to the less kindly as 'pure gasoline'. Alternatively, it has also been described as 'a baby diaper filled with Indian food' or a 'turd covered in burnt hair'. On a statistical failure of a Sex Panther, the odor becomes overwhelming leading to a severe reaction

As its name implies, the Sex Panther is usually evoked in magic of a carnal nature. The spells, 'Fantana's Forget-me-Now', and 'Happy Pants Party' both rely on Sex Panther components, as do the Wand of Oscillation and the Chastity Belt of Desire. It is most commonly found in a liquid form dubbed the Cologne of Inexplicable Attraction. On occasion, ethereal Sex Panthers are summoned and given a physical form to be used as familiars by Tantric Sorcerers, Furry Wizards and by the more perverse sorts of Ranger.

In its weaponized form, the Sex Panther forms a powerful stink bomb that can overwhelm the senses, in mot cases (60% of the time), leading to incapacitating nausea, vomiting and in extreme cases, even death.

(guess what movie I saw this weekend?)


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