Terror Birds

While dinosaurs always get the glory, I happen to love all prehistoric creatures especially Terror Birds.

There is something about being stalked and preyed upon by a giant, insane, carnivorous turkey that is both absurd, and terrifying. Then there is the fact that they are basically feathered dinosaurs that flourished in South America right up until the time it merged with North America. The land bridge brought other predators like saber-toothed cats and the reign of the Terror Bird came to an ignoble end.

They don't appear enough in fantasy fiction and rpgs for my likeing. D&D has one, and Pathfinder has the Axe-Beak, but when was the last time you saw one in an adventure supplement?

Terror Bird 
Gamer's Common
Type: Animal, prehistoric. Can be found solitary or in packs (D6). Any environment except Arctic.
Size: Human or larger
Stats: High strength, agility and endurance. Animal, predator intelligence.
Weapons and Armour: Beak (high damage), Kick (high damage), Head Butt (high damage). Wing rake (low damage). Hide provides moderate protection.
Min/Max: Very fast runners. May hunt in packs or have camouflaged plumage in dense jungles/woods.

TWERPS: Terror Birds
ST: 5.
Movement x2.
Attack:
Beak +1 Hit 3 Damage.
Kick: +1 Hit. 2 Damage
Head Butt: -1 Hit. 4 Damage
Armour: 3

Rain of Tentacles

In Alaska, there have been reports of these creatures raining down from the sky, landing on gardens, streets, cars and unsuspecting passersby in Alaska. They are lampreys and scientists suspect that they are being dropped by gulls after being plucked from the ocean.

Spells
Rain of Petromyzontiformes
This spell summons a number of hungry lampreys (number appearing equal's spell level) to appear approximately 5' above the target. The lamprey's are disorientated, angry and slimey, and will cling to armour, clothing and skin. They do only minimal damage, but their presence creates a great disadvantage to the victim, forcing them to take a penalty to all rolls until the creatures are dislodged. It takes one complete action to remove one lamprey.

Rain of Tentacles
This spell is almost indistinguishable from an 'entangle' spell (or similar) except the victim is wrapped in strong, constricting tentacles that also moderate damage per round. A strength check is required to break free.

Xenomosaurus Rex

When a regular TPK just won't do ....

Oliver Pabilona

This little beauty  gives me a brilliant idea for a campaign.

Xenomorphic Rex - Gamers' Common
-Type: Animal, prehistoric. Alien-parasitic

Size: Very large
Stats: High strength, agility and endurance. Animal, predator intelligence.
Weapons: Bite- Very Powerful. Kick - Very Powerful. Claws-Moderate. Tail swat- Very Powerful. Secondary mouth-moderate
Armour: Very Strong

Min/Max: Fast runners. Acid blood (strong) which sprays when damaged.

TWERPS-Xenomorphic Rex

St: 10

Movement: x2. Two Attacks per round

Attack: 

Bite +3 Hit. 7 Damage

Claw: +1 Hit. 5 Damage

Tail: -2 to Hit. 6 Damage

Armour: 5

Min/Max: When hit, sprays Acid Blood in all adjacent hexes for 2 damage. 

Hive Castle
Just over a month ago, shortly after the Night of the Falling Star, all contact was lost with the remote province of Wayland. Messengers have not returned, and as yet, there has been no word from the armored battalion of knights

Now the Chancellor Iutan is asking the adventures' help. Go to Wayland and find out what happened out there. The chancellor's adviser, a wizard named Kartar Burke, and two royal guard will accompany the party, though Chancellor Iutan will not say why.

It is a week-long journey through the mountains until you come to the remote valley province. The region is volcanic and barren, with some pockets of green. The only human habitation in the region is a medium sized mining community centered around the fortress known as Bishop's Keep (it was once an abbey) which is at the far end of a town called Hadley's Hope.

As the party approaches the town, they see no sign of any villagers. Homes are all abandoned and many show signs of violent struggle.

As they investigate the town, the party begins to encounter the evil star creatures. Shadows at first, perhaps an npc dragged off by something in the night. When they come, in force and it becomes a desperate fight for their lives. The party flees to seek the security of Bishop's Keep. Once there, however, they begin to learn about the star creature's true nature.

They also learn that Kartar's goal has always been the great dungeon below Bishop's Keep, which according to legend, is the prison to the great dragon known as Nostromo,,,

Tentetsutou, the Sword of Heaven

Tentetsutou, translated as 'The Sword of Heaven' is a katana forged from a meteorite. 

House Rule: A magical sword does not have to be named. But any sword that urns its name, becomes magical. 

Cave Clowns

You ever wanted to justify having scary clowns, but you're running a 'serious game'? Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal has the answer!

Cave Clows - Gamer's Common

-Type: Humanoid
Size: Human
Stats: Average human.
Weapons: hand to hand human average. Bite strong. Can and will use weapons.
Armour: 1 - Clothing
Min/Max: Can move in aquatic environments. Strong sense of smell and electo-location allows it to inhabit dark and near-dark environs. Some have magical abilities.

TWERPS- Cave Clowns

ST: 4

Can be found in cave and sewer environments. No penalty to aquatic movement. No penalties in darkness.

Attack:

Teeth +2 Hit, 3 Damage

Mallet: +2 Hit. 3 Damage

Armour: Clothing 2

Min/Max: Some may possess magical powers. 

Gamers' Common: A Manifesto

Of Dice and Men brings up the concept of Gamers' Common. Originated by Frank Mentzer, it is an idea designed to get around the Edition Wars and bring all roleplayers together, regardless what game they happen to be playing. What it means is writing game supplements using terms that are common to most games, or at least understood by all gamers; things like Rounds, Hit Points, Experience etc. It then falls to the game-master (and players!) to choose what rules set they want to apply. This might seem like a bit of work, but isn't any different than trying to convert a really good adventure that might not exactly fit your current game, edition or preferred OSR. More importantly, it leaves things open-ended enough to allow for GM improvisation and adaptation. I don't believe that you should play anything straight out of the box.

Two of my all time favourite role-playing supplements are The Chronicles of Talislanta (available all free and legal here) which outlines the continent of Talislanta, the primary setting for the game of the same name; and Titan which describes the world of Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone's Fighting Fantasy and Sorcery! gamebooks. Neither has a single rule in them, but both are utterly bottomless in terms of ideas and inspiration.

I thought of both of them when I came across of Mentzer's idea of rule neutral supplements. I've been struggling to find a focus for this blog for a long time and my own game writing has been all over the freakin' map.

I find the D&D Edition Wars to be tiring and pointless* and my own pet favourite games (Talislanta, TWERPS and WEG D6) are a little too esoteric to fill out a regularly posted blog. Homebrewing is fun, but again appeals only to a very small niche market (basically, myself). Still, I want to share my ideas, or at least put them down in one place so I can refer to them later. Writing in Gamers' Common allows me to do this, and I don't have to cross reference anything to make sure I converted the THAC0 correctly.

So I am leaving the rules behind and embarking down the GC path. I might occasionally dip into a rules specific post from time to time (if I ever bother to finish that TWERPS GI:JOE supplement, for example), but otherwise I am going to concentrate my energies on being as general as possible.

*For the record, I am an OSR Grognard at heart, but I am a believer in playing the game in front of you. If the GM puts the time and effort into running a 4thE game, play that and don't bitch how AD&D or the Red Box or Labyrinth Lord or Pathfinder does it better.  

Wanna shake things up? Run a game on an Island!

Pair of interesting articles today, both about islands and pseudo-islands.
-- via Skyshroud 3, Deviant Art.

Huge hamsters and pint-sized porcupines thrive on islands, -- via Science Blog.
Island ecology is fascinating to me, and not just because I married a Newfoundlander (her father built their home, and all the fittings inside are designed for short people). Now I just want to run an island adventure with pint sized Manticores and some really colossal Giant Rats. It would be a great way to screw with long-term players' expectations.

and

"Death of a Data Haven: cypherpunks, WikiLeaks, and the world's smallest nation" -- via The Browser.
While it may have its problems in real life, it seems a perfect location for a near-future or Cyberpunk game. The article even references "Cryptonomicron".

A Dozen Dungeon Maladies and their Cures

[Ed note: I woke up this morning with the word 'slimefoot' in my head and inspired by the always awesome Dungeon Dozen, I came up with this list.]

Dungeons are nasty, filthy places full of molds, fungi and parasites. They lurk everywhere from the bite of monsters, to swimming in stagnant water, floating in dust and clinging to damp walls, all looking for a nice warm body in which to take root and grow. Here are a dozen, non-fatal Delving Maladies and their cures to inflict upon the irresponsible and unhygienic PC. All are magic resistant and normal Cure spells may delay or interrupt symptoms, but they can only be permanently cured via the methods described below.

D12
1 Slimefoot
This malady, caused by walking through stagnant water, causes the delver’s feet to constantly ooze a greenish-yellow slime. The slime is slightly caustic and will ruin any footwear and bedding within a week. If the character is barefoot on a slippery surface they suffer -1 to DEX, but there are no other ill effects.
Cure: encase feet in a box filled with dragon stool. The older the dragon, the less time is required to remain with the feet in the box, though 1d6 hours is minimum for ancient dragons, and 1d6 days may be required for especially immature dragons.

2 The Snargleflux
An unpleasant malady that flares up during times of stress (like combat). Under stress, the character must roll d10 every round. On a result of 1, the character can perform no action but to defend themselves, as they suffers an explosive bout of diarrhoea
Cure: A mouthful of Healing potion right when the character first notices that there will be a problem (rolled a 1). The swig also has the effect of healing 1hp, and a typical full potion will do for d4 doses. The character must take a mouthful at every occurrence (rolled 1) for d6 days to be completely cured. If they miss even a single dose, they must start again.

3 Cave Tuber Sprouts
Caused by eating undercooked dungeon-meat (giant rat, etc), this malady causes the delver’s skin to randomly develop potato-like ‘eyes’. After about a week after first appearing, these eyes will sprout small plant-like stalks that can be painlessly trimmed by the delver.
Cure: Rust Monster rust rubbed on the ‘eyes’ as soon as they appear. Requires 2d6 weeks of treatment before they stop appearing. There is a 5% chance per year of the eyes reoccurring, but once the initial treatment is applied, only requires 1d6 days treatment to clear most flare ups. The rust does not have to be fresh, but it must come from a Rust Monster.

4 Orc Mouth
The character’s natural teeth become loose and fall out. They are then replaced by snaggle-toothed fangs. The new teeth are fragile and easily broken, but they grow continually and are constantly replaced. Delver now does d4 bite damage.
Cure: Remove all teeth then massage gums nightly with a paste made from a raw, fresh osquip liver. Requires one month’s treatment and approximately 20+d10 osquips, after which time the delver’s teeth will grow back normally.

5 The Walking Frug
This neurological disorder, brought on by contact with dungeon mould causes the character to walk in a jerking, funky manner. It in no way affects the character’s movement rate, though it is distracting and impedes hide and sneaking rolls.
Cure: Powdered al-mi’raj horn, taken as snuff for 10+d20 days. Requires one horn per day.

6 The Shouts
The occasional result of contact with shrieker spoors, this disorder causes the delver to speak as loudly as possible, no matter what the situation.
Cure: One, whole Screaming Devilkin, boiled alive until simmered to a broth and drunk before allowed to cool.

7 Mossbeard
This malady causes a thick, green hair-like fungus to grow on the delver’s face, regardless of gender. If the delver already has a beard, the natural hair is replaced. Over time, the fungus will replace all the delver’s hair, starting with the head and working its way down.
Cure: a poultice made of boiled Minotaur hair and powdered horn applied to affected areas for d4 days. Cure has a 13% chance of causing a case of Furskin.

8 Furskin
This malady causes the delver to grow a thick layer of fur, the same colour as their natural hair, over their entire body.
Cure: A full-on blast from a Shocker or other electrical monster. All of the delver’s hair will fall out leaving them utterly hairless until their hair grows back in at a normal rate. There is a 10% chance that the hair will not grow back at all.

9 The Stench
The delver emits a constant, overpowering musky odour reminiscent of boiling skunk musk.
Cure: Ingesting the stink bladder of a giant-skunk, witherstench or dire-weasel. The inflicted only has a 2% per CON chance of keeping the bladder down. If the character fails to keep the bladder down, they fail to cure the malady.

10 Slugbelly
Usually contracted from drinking stagnant water, this small and otherwise benign parasite takes up residence in the delver’s stomach. It has no ill effects on the host, but roughly once a fortnight, the parasite will lay a slime covered egg-sack that the host will then pass naturally or be vomited up, usually while sleeping.
Cure: one live, purple worm larva swallowed whole. The larva will devour the parasite, but then the inflicted character must drink one full gallon of brine mixed with one complete powdered pixie to then kill the larva before it begins to burrow its way out of the host.

11 Wandering Bladder
Contracted through contact with extra-planar creatures, this malady causes the character’s internal organs (primarily the bladder) to partially shift into neighbouring dimensions. As a result, the character looses all control of their bladder, kidneys and urinary function. The system regulates itself so there is no danger of infection or further disease, but the character will remain completely incontinent for the rest of their natural life.
Cure: The displaced spleen of a displacer beast carefully prepared at the junction of two planes and ingested through a Bag of Holding.

12 Glowskin
The delver’s skin becomes coated in a thin layer of phosphorescent fungus that glows in the dark. The condition is not visible in daylight and though the delver will no longer require a torch, the glow attracts wandering monsters at twice the normal rate.
Cure: a bath in the carefully prepared remains of an ochre jelly. The delver must be completely submerged for one minute to burn away all traces of the fungus or else the condition will simply spread again. There is always at least a 10% chance that the prepared jelly remains will retain their full, acidic effect. There is no way to fully test how successful, or deadly the treatment was until the delver is removed from the bath.

12 Not So Wonderful Magic Tomes

Inspired by the most awesome Dungeon Dozen blog, here are twelve magic books that aren't so useful to a party (but are potentially valuable to the right buyer)

d12
Magic-Lite Books
D12
1. Prestidigitation for Absolute Beginners
2. Lord Blurg’s Roll of Scatomany
3. The Amazing Rando’s Amazing Sleight of Hand.
4. 1,001 Ways to Conjure Doves
5. Master Folio of Ichthyomancy.
6. Advanced Calculations for Protophysical Particle Thaumaturgy.
7. “This is not a wand” and the Principles of Post Modernist Magic.
8. Magercise ! Staying Fit for Magic Users.
9. A History of Mold Magic.
10. Familiar Care Do’s and Don’ts.
11. Dinner Party Miracles: Amaze you Friends and Be a Hit at Parties!
12. Cannibalistic Rituals for the Home Devil Worshiper

Magic Trees

I don't use miniatures much, mostly because I am not talented enough to paint them, but to kill some time in hospital, mt wife bought me a 'magic tree' from the dollar store. Its just crystals grown on cardboard, but it struck me that they'd made a great fungi forest. Plus the cystals are fragile, which would be a great house rule for spores.

Hogan's Edge Cave

Here is the very first Dungeon I created using the Playing Card Rules. Now to finish up the Traps and Treasure Tables to really fill things out.

Hogan's Edge

The Hogan’s Edge
The village of Hogan’s Hill lies close to the cliffs known as The Edge. A few weeks ago, a landslide uncovered a cave, and the since then the surrounding area has been plagued by monsters. The local Lord has put out a call to any Hero brave enough to venture inside, seeks out the source of the monsters and puts an end to their predations.

Pulling random encounters, I figured that a Lich and a Vampire were battling it out inside the cave to see who would gain domination over the surrounding countryside.

Region 20 got two traps in a row, one on a door the other into a cramped area, so I imagined a locked door hiding a bottomless pit. Will have to make a Trap Table soon.

100 Wandering Monsters

My d100 Wandering Monster table prepped for a run through of my Playing Card Dungeon. Contains many classics (some with my own personal interpretation) a few homebrews and a couple that have been changed just enough so I can't get sued.

1 Jabberwock
This rare and luckily, solitary creature can only be harmed by magic weapons.

2 Giant Rat
Large scavenging rodents. Will attack if cornered or think they can overwhelm a weaker foe.

3 Bear
Has wandered into the dungeon and is now lost, hungry and extremely aggressive

4 Flying Monkey
Winged simians with a bad attitude.

5 Beastmen
Animal headed, humanoid hybrids.

6 Brigand
A group of outlaws is using this location as a hideout. Roll for alignment: 1-2) Neutral. 3-5) Evil 6) Good (rebels)

7 Boglins
Resembling goblins, but with red or orange hued skin. Much more intelligent and capable of magic. Often leaders of goblin tribes.

8 Troll
Large humanoids possessing a crafty intellect and the ability to regenerate

9 Cockatrice
Demonic roosters with the ability to breath fire.

10 Dire Moose
Fearsome herbivores of the deep.

11 Giant Spider
Because you gotta have giant spiders

12 Bore Boar
Porcine monsters with the ability to put people to sleep with their excruciatingly tedious stories about their vacation.

13 Orcs
Humanoids with grey-green skin, sharp teeth and reptilian eyes. Reasonably intelligent.

14 Kobolds
Small, dog-faced humanoids.

15 Mind Sucker
Squid-headed humanoids proficient in magic and feast upon the brainwaves of intelligent beings.

16 Goblins
Small, green skinned scavengers.

17 Flying Shark
A species of shark that can fly for periods of time. Always found near water

18 Golem, Flesh -Frankenstein monster like magical construct
19 Golem, Iron -Magical metal construct
20 Golem, Clay -Magical construct
21 Golem, Wood -Magical construct

22 Vorpal Bunny
Small, white rabbit with big, nasty teeth!

23 Bearowl
A sorcerous hybrid known for its fearsome reputation

24 Floating Ogler
A great floating eye with tentacles. An intelligent creature capable of powerful magic

25 Scavenger Ooze
A huge ooze with one huge, single eye that crawls through tunnels looking for any organic material to digest

26 Ooze, Black
Oozes are small creatures look like small blobs of slime, with one disturbingly human eye. Mindless scavengers, they indiscriminately feed on anything they come across. Black oozes secret a powerful necrotizing poison.
27 Ooze, Red -These oozes secret a powerful acid.
28 Ooze, Purple -These oozes attempt to burrow into the skin of their prey.
29 Ooze, Clear -These oozes can combine to form a larger creature.
30 Ooze, Green -These oozes secret a strange mould that gradually takes over the body.

31 Giant Centipede
Giant, acid spitting anthropoids.

32 Rust Eater
A lobster-like creature that can break down metals into rust.

33 Giant Crab
Another classic

34 Giant Crocodile
20+ feet of reptilian menace.

35 Ghost
Ethereal spirits of the dead. Usually cranky

36 Lich
A powerful wizard who has found a way to cheat death, though you’d never know it to look at one.

37 Vampire
Vicious, bloodsucking undead predators. Does in no way mope, moon, fall in love with their prey or sparkle.

38 Ghoul
Not undead, but a form of gangly, stick thin humanoid that feeds on carrion.

39 Basilisk
A six legged lizard with the ability to turn living creatures to stone with its gaze.

40 Kong
Giant, carnivorous apes.

41 Wraith
A form of ghost that preys on the lifeforce of living things

42 Cave Wolverine
A dangerous underground predator

43 Deep Wolf
Blind, hairless canines that hunt deep in the earth.

44 Dire Slug
Slow, but deadly.

45 Skeleton
Classic reanimated corpses

46 Multchthing
The merger between a humanoid lifeforce and decaying plant matter.

47 Giant Scorpion
The classic monster.

48 Giant Snake
Another classic. May be poisonous or a constrictor.

49 T Rex
Or other form of carnivorous dinosaur

50 Pterodactyl
A flying carnivorous dinosaur

51 Violet Worm
The bloated, purple eating machines tunnel through the earth with their rotating maws.

52 Ogre
A large, grey skinned humanoid that is generally dumber than soup.

53 Cave Creeper
This invertebrate resembles a large, octopus. Intelligent, and masters of camouflage.

54 Peryton
A hybrid beast with the body of a stag, and the legs, wings, tail of an eagle

55 Spectre
Powerful undead ghosts that can attain physical form for limit periods of time

56 Giant Bat
Always carnivorous.

57 Mummy
Undead. Always has a specific purpose for returning, even if it is only “guard this room”

58 Minotaur
Bull headed monsters often found in labyrinths

59 Chestomorph
These invertebrates often impersonate chests, trunks or barrels

60 Cave Elephant
Smaller versions of regular elephants who have adapted to underground life by becoming carnivorous

61 Giant Ant
Nomadic colonies inhabit many dungeons. Soldiers will always defend the colony.

62 Morlok
A species of cannibalistic humanoids adapted to living underground. Have claws, large fangs, eyes that glow in the dark and are covered in fine, light blue fur.

63 Giant Leech
Giant, squishy bloodsucking fiends that hide in stagnant water

64 Elemental, Air -Powerful being, usually resembles a small tornado
65 Elemental, Earth -Powerful being of pure earth and stone
66 Elemental, Fire -Powerful being of pure flame
67 Elemental, Water -Powerful being of pure water

68 Invisible Swordsman
Appears to be a floating blade, but is actually the spirit of a great duelist.

69 Coeurl Cat
Resembles a large black panther. Keen observers will notice that the beast has two tales, and even keener ones will realize that it is actually just off to their left and ready to pounce.

70 Griffon
Half lion, half eagle hybrid.

71 Harpy
Carrion eating creatures with the wings, tail and feet of a vulture and the torso and head of a woman. Beware their singing voice.

72 Gorgon
Hideous medusa whose gaze turns to stone.

73 Giant
Large, strong and generally about as smart as a shoe

74 Black Mushroom
These six-foot or greater mushrooms release a cloud of toxic spores when jostled. They are also often home to a race of vicious purple/black skinned tiny humanoids called Gnaps.

75 Minor Demon
Demons are extra-planar beings out of nightmares. Each one is unique and has an agenda of its own.

76 Minor Archon
Archons are extra-planar beings from more enlightened spheres. Each is unique and are often in the service of a god. Devils are rebel Archons

77 Lizardmen
A group of mid level baddies that the Hero won’t feel guilty about turning into stylish boots.

78 Dark Elf
Elves adapted to underground with snow white skin (that becomes more transparent with age) and a fondness for spiders, tribal tattoos, moody music and curved swords.

79 Screaming Fungus
While not dangerous on their own, these large red mushrooms will emit a piercing shriek if disturbed that draws nearby predators. They will then lay their spores in the rotting remains

80 Golem, Stone
Magical construct often made to resemble a statue or relief.

81 Vampire Vine
Black, thorny vines that reach out to ensnare warm-blooded prey. The berries of the vine are of rare alchemical value

82 Carrion Caterpillar
Large, carnivorous caterpillars with two long antenna with a powerful paralytic contact poison at the end.

83 Tentacle Thing
A mass of lashing green/black tentacles. No one who has ever seen what lies beyond and survived.

84 Chimera
A three headed hybrid on the body of a lion and a tail made up of nine poisonous serpents.

85 Anthromorph
A species of cannibalistic humanoids capable of changing their appearance. Often pose as lost delvers looking to join a party.

86 Heck Hound
Black dogs with steel fangs, burning eyes and the ability to belch fire.

87 Manticore
A hybrid with the body of a lion, the face of a man and great black, bat wings.

88 Shadow
Ethereal beings with a dark agenda of their own. Prey upon the warmth of warm blooded creatures

89 Dire Ficus
The most fearsome potted plant known to exist.

90 Gaping Maw
A bizarre sorcerous beast that appears to be a giant, fanged mouth. Can camouflage itself to appear as part of a floor. Thought to be the male of the same species as Dropping Maws

91 Dropping Maw
A bizarre sorcerous beast that appears to be a giant, fanged mouth. Can camouflage itself to appear as part of a ceiling and as the name suggests, will drop onto its prey. Thought to be the female of the same species as Dropping Maws

92 Hermit Maw
An immature stage of maw that hides in stalagmites or stalactites

93 Dead Ent
Undead tree-beings. Appear as dead trees until someone approaches too close.

94 Zombie
These slow moving undead are in a constant search for Braaaains!

95 Grimmus
Large, four armed, purple skinned, gumdrop shaped humanoids. Extremely aggressive.

96 Cave Wasps
These large, aggressive wasps collect blood to feed their larva, and will often make their nests in the bodies of dead beasts/delvers

97 Succubus
Sometimes known as nookie-vampires, these creatures feast of the sensations of pleasure and pain.

98 Xenomorph
These strange creatures have acidic blood, a hard chitinous exoskeleton and lay their eggs inside warm-blooded creatures

99 Sphinx
These extra-planar creatures can appear as almost anything (though their egos often make them take large forms, but often as disguised as doors or mirrors). They love nothing more than outsmarting intelligent beings and often pose difficult riddles. Can be distracted if made to laugh.

100 Dragon

Magic, Motherf*cker

Finally got around to watching ‘Your Highness’. Not terribly good, but it has its moments and fantasy reader/rpgers will probably find it funnier than most. It is actually a fairly amusing parody of any given overwrought fantasy novel and feels like you are watching a roleplaying session where the GM is trying to emulate one of those overwrought novels, but is constantly undermined by the players’ refusal to take it completely seriously.

It also has some nice visualizations of spells and monsters, but my personal favourite was the Barbarian Hireling ... that is exactly what hirelings are for!

Fairy Dust
This potent substance can be harvested from willing fairies, but the easiest way to obtain it is by capturing a fairy, pulling off its wings and head and then patting the neck, spilling the dust into an open palm. The dust can then be snorted like snuff, giving a moderate bonus to all actions for the next d10 rounds, followed by a corresponding penalty for an equal amount of time. It also has many alchemical uses and is valuable in large quantities.

The Weed WizardThis bizarre, caterpillar-like humanoid lives in a castle overgrown with plants, located at the centre of a mushroom forest. At the heart of the castle is a large green house and there the Wise Wizard grows many potent herbs that he uses in the hookah and derives his magical powers.

Through the herbs, the wizard has the gift of prophesy and foresight, warning travellers brave enough to seek him out what they require to complete their quests. He does not give his gifts freely however, and those that seek him must be prepared to pay his price, …whatever he may ask.

Gauntlets of GroundingThese large, iron gauntlets are covered with a fine mesh of mysterious metal that attacks and absorbs all electrical attracts, as well as having a 50% chance of catching bolts of magical energy.

The large and unwieldy nature of these gauntlets, and the long trailing wires that must be touching the ground in order for them to work, give the character wearing them a dexterity penalty for all rolls, including combat.

Booby Trap
This trap is commonly laid by nymphs and dryads, who will send out the comeliest one among them, clad only in the scantiest of scanties to entice eager travellers to follow them into the woods.

Once enticed, they will be lead to a quite clearing where they will be herded into a group by hundreds of other nymphs and rendered unconscious with drugged blowguns. Once asleep, the GM is free to do with them as they wish and the trap makes for a convenient way to drag wandering player-characters back on plot.

Amulet of the Minotaur
This trophy was taken from the mythical Minotaur of the Lost Labyrinth by a fabled warrior when its horn proved too difficult to remove. When worn by any male character, the amulet increases their virility and attractiveness to all members of the preferred sex.

The Chosen One
This individual is born once every hundred years with the destiny to complete the ritual of The F*ckening and bring forth the dragon that will rule the world. When the two moons align, the Chosen One must complete the ritual by entering a virgin.

The Chosen One is protected by the magic of legend and cannot be harmed, except by the Sword of Unicorn. However, he too must remain a virgin until the F*ckening and is easily misled by questions regarding his virility. it probably doesn't help that once begun, the magic of The F*ckening transforms the virgin into an unsatable, wanton sex machine.

The prophesy of the Dragon Moons has been mistranslated and it is generally assumed that the Chosen One impregnates the virgin with the dragon. What the Chosen one is not aware of is that if the ritual is completed, it is HE who will become a dragon.

The Sword of the UnicornWhile created by the body of a dying unicorn, this sword acts only as a moderate magical weapon. However, if used against the Chosen One (or chosen Big Bad), it will do double damage (magic damage included).

When first drawn from the body of a unicorn, the sword will test the welder to prove their worthiness. If the welder fails the test, they are killed (no save!) and the sword returns, waiting for the next person brave enough to draw the blade.

The Codpiece of Courtney
When worn on its own, this oversized, bulbous device gives the wearer magical protection equal to the equivalent of chainmail armour. The bonus does stack with gauntlets, greaves and helms, but not with vests or other chest pieces.

The Steel Hand of Boremont
This mechanical prosthetic can only be worn by individuals who have lost an arm and seeks out the dwarven craftsmen of the Deepshaft. For an exhorbanent fee, th dwarves will create a powerful metal hand that doubles unarmed damage and allows the wearer to use a sword without penalty. For an added price, it can include a retractable blade.

The Hand of the HydraThis fiendish monster is created when a magic user plunges his hand into a cauldron containing a specially prepared elixir (that looks suspiciously like mustard). The hand will summon a giant hydra-like creature with five snake heads. The mage then controls the hydra with his hand, each finger corresponding to one of the snake-heads.

The mage must see the hydra to control it, but may use magical means to cover great distances.

Each head can spit a potent stream of powerful acid ten feet once per half hour (five attacks). In addition, the bite of the hydra is poisonous and is deadly within five rounds if not sucked vigorously.

However, the hydra possesses relatively weak armour and any damage done to the heads is transferred to the mage’s hand, including lost fingers each time a head is cut off.
Let Us Quest!

Orgasmaster Spell and Cybergenies

Orgasamaster
This spell causes an intense, momentary physical reaction in the body of its target.
Males are rendered insensible (3 Tricky penalty for all actions) for 2d2 rounds with a one time, 50% chance of falling asleep. However, they are then immune to the spell for twenty minutes to an hour. Females are distracted for one round only, but can be hit repeatedly, with only a 10%chance (cumulative for each spell caste) of falling asleep.

This spell works on any corporeal being, but will not work on most undead; the exception being Zombies, who have a 1in6 chance of exploding (no other effects) and vampires, who will momentary sparkle and then suffer (2 Average) damage in embarrassment. If this spell is caste on a pudding, ooze, cube or other single-celled creature, it will cause the creature to split, creating a Level 1 version of itself that will fight along side its mother.

For any animal or non-magical monster, there is a 1in6 chance that the beast will now follow the caster and behave in an affectionate manner. This is the equivalent of automatic Charm spell provided the mage castes Orgasamaster on the beast once per day.

I haven’t seen Weird Science since I was about 11. Now, thanks to the magic of Netflix I have seen it again. All I can say is that Robert Downey Jr must have pickled himself.

Cybergenie
These benevolent, ethereal creatures come from the dimension called The Net of Internia where it is said that hamsters dance, the rain is chocolate, porn is plentiful and cats do the craziest things. Cybergenies can only be summoned at a time of great need, by the most desperate and lonely, in the most mad-cap and improvised of rituals, the only rule being that everyone present must wear a bra on their head.

A Cybergenie’s only goal is the betterment of those who summoned it. They will do whatever their summoner asks and their powers include, but are not limited too, transmogrification, summoning demons, create needed objects, mind control and showering on demand.

However, a cybergenie is a truly benevolent entity and will never cause permanent harm to another individual (embarrassment and transmogrification, yes) and its true goal will always be to better its summoner, even if that means creating tests and situations that will force the summoner to act in a kind, unselfish or thoughtful manner. Once summoned, the genie will never give up and will only depart once it has fully redeemed its master.

House Rule for Merchants

I generally have merchants sell at about 10% above listed price which gives me some room for barganing if the player wants to haggle.

Merchants will buy items at 3-50% of listed value. With a Haggle/Barter roll (or equivalent) they can go as high as 75%. A critical success may raise the price to 80-90%. Beyond that the merchant will refuse to purchase the item. 

9 Magical Effects for Magical Candles, Torches and Lanterns

All of these effects work equally well for any lightsource unless otherwise specifically noted.

Everlasting

            This item will never burn itself out.

Summons Shadowling

            The smoke from flame is a small spirit that will perform simple tasks for the person who lit the wick (torch). The spirit is released once the wick (torch) has burned away.

Fire Mace (Torch only)

            This torch is made of solid iron and can be used as a minor magical weapon.

Invisible Lantern

            The light from this torch can only be seen by the person carrying the object. To everyone else, the room remains unlit

Mellowlight

            This torch creates a thick warm smoke that causes everyone who inhales it to become calm, a little silly, absent minded and very hungry. If the person inhaling the smoke fails a wisdom roll, they become paranoid, dizzy with a chance of summoning 1d6 Flying Rainbow Bunnies or other psychic predators.

Darklight

            This torch creates a Sphere of Blackness equal to 20'. Infrared and ultraviolet vision will not penetrate the darkness.

The 8 Candles of Shabragdingo (Candle Only)

            This candle is made of black wax and has strange runic symbols carved down the side. If eight of the candles are brought together and burned simultainiously, they will summon the demon lord Shabragdingo. Unfortunately, the creator of the candles purposely did not mentioned the ninth candle … the one that allows you to control the newly summoned demon.

Of Purity

If this item is used to start a fire, the resulting blaze will purify any food prepared. Water will e boiled of poisons or impunity. Similarly, rags boiled in the water and used on a wound will prevent infection and half the recuperation time.  

Firestorm

Twice a day, with an accompanying trigger word this item will create a 10' fireball that can be launched at an enemy up to 25m away.

Slave/Servant Background Table

Do I really need a reason to post this?
Watched the 1959 version of 'The Mummy' starring Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee over the weekend. I had DVR'd it thinking it was the 1939 original. However since it was Cushing and Lee, I won't complain.

The best part of the movie is the conversation that the hero (Cushing) has with the "evil" Egyptian about the removal of relics from Egypt. I'm sure that to a 1959 audience, Cushing's argument that the relics belong in a British museum made sense, but to modern eyes it is the Egyptian who is in the right.

In fact, it is very easy to view this movie completely reversed from its original intent. Cushing and team of his ham-fisted "archaeologists" blasting their way into tombs that have survived unmolested form 4,000 years, yanking out only the artefacts that have ascetic or curiosity value and promply sent them off to be shipped, chipped, sunbleached, manhandled and breathed all over by millions of bored British school kids.

These rich morons scientists steal the body of the High Priestess and then have the nerve to be outraged when the current High Priest and the Undead guardian of the tomb try to get her back. The movies was much more fun, on the whole when viewed as a revenge thriller where the Mummy is mad as hell, and not gonna take it anymore!

All this is not really relevant, but I was watching the ancient Egyptian scenes with all the references to 'Nubian Slaves' and it got me thinking. Slaves and Servants are usually just background pieces, but they are still people with hopes, dreams, talents and secrets. This is probably utterly useless, but I came up with a chart should a GM ever need a quickie history/story point for a slave or servant.
Roll 2D20

2. Beloved King of a faraway land who was betrayed by an evil relative. A band of adventurers are out looking for him

3. A hated Emperor who was deposed. Any native of his land will try and kill him on site.

4. A crazed psychokiller who has been preying on the neighbours.

5. Is in love with one of the master's children. The slave is loved in return, but certain to be killed or sold if they are caught.

6. Is having an affair with the master /master's wife

7. Is a powerful mage who has been cut off from his power by a rival.

8. An extra dimensional being/alien here to study humanity

9. An exiled and amnesic god

10. The master in disguise who posses as a slave out of some eccentricity or to evaluate guests

11. Is proud to be a slave

12. Is a vampire or werewolf

13. Is a spy for a rival house or merchant.

14. A simple fisherman who was captured by pirates

15. Is traumatized by seeing his wife killed and his children stolen

16. A captured soldier

17. An addict

18. A convert to a dangerous new cult

19. Possessed by a demon

20. He who was foretold in prophesy

21. A Hero character in the middle of a story point (picture Conan or Farfid/Grey Mouser)

22. Bitter and about to betray their master

23. An immortal

24. A ghost

25. The last of his kind

26. Cursed to serve the family until the curse is broken.

27. Indentured and looking for any way to pay off their debt.

28. Educated

29. A talented artist

30. A eunuch

31. A talented swordsman / martial artist

32. Sibling to one of the party.

33. Most loyal servant to the family, no matter what happens

34. A prostitute on the side

35. Knows a terrible secret

36. The most beautiful person in the world

37. A carrier of the plague

38. A time traveller from the future trying to stop a disaster

39. Knows the location of the treasure

40. A genie ready to give a wish to the first person who says 'Please' (because who says please to a slave?). 

Magic Llama

House Rule:Touching a llama gains the character a +1 to their next dice roll.

The animation isn't standing up well, but Jimmy Neutron is still an amusing film.

Half Elves

The Atlantasia quote below seems to be causing a stir:

On Atlantasia you will NEVER find a half-breed elf (if a female elf was ever raped by another race she would commit suicide). (uh, so what would happen if a male elf had relations with a female human?)

I can't say I would ever use this in my games, or even that it makes sense, but if that is the way he wants to run his table, leave him be.

I was never a fan of half-elves personally because I find once you start allowing cross-breeds you end up with that character who is half human half dragon half elf who was raised by ninja pirates and taught to fight by a rengade drow swordmaster and so on. I usually solved the problem by simpley having humans and elves (all demi-humans) unable to produce offspring. They are different species after all.

In general I also try to play up the fairie elements of 'Elves' and fairies, from what I've read, tend towards the sexually capricious. Even Tinkerbell has attended at least one orgy (seriously, read Peter Pan carefully). I'll leave you to look that up yourselves because there is no way I am typing that into Google.